a pandemic love affair

So, I think that I fell in love during the pandemic.

ummm…. crazy right?? 

YES! ITS CRAZY AS HELL!  

But hey, it happened. 

Looking back on our crazy year last year it’s clearer than ever I most definitely fell in love. 

Now who did I fall in love with you ask…. Well, I’ll get to that but what is this “love” thing about anyways? 

love (noun): an intense feeling of deep affection. 

Intense was an understatement for what I was feeling last year. For the first time ever, I was open. Open to being vulnerable, open to love, open to trying new things and open to wanting more than what I accepted in my past relationships. Last year, I was learning to communicate differently, more freely without feeling exposed or manipulated. Love had showed me that it was okay to be soft and how not to feel ashamed of that softness. For the first time I got the chance to slow down and think without pressure, anxiety, and self-doubt weighing me down. 

While I was enjoying this euphoric feeling of being free. I was still told that I was “aggressive” or “too assertive”. 

*insert blank stare here* Umm. Excuse me I’m sorry, wtf does that mean?

Yeah! That was exactly the face and thought I had when he told me this. 

I thought that I had been the total opposite of what I had known myself to be in the past. 

I felt that I had changed. That I was becoming a completely different woman than I had been before. So, imagine my disappointment when I heard that once again from someone, I had deep affection for that I was “aggressive”. Devastated was an understatement of how I felt in that moment.  

Now, let me be clear; I’ve been told by many of the men that I dated that I’m “aggressive” or “too assertive”, but this time the words cut deeper, I felt this one and it stung like a bitch. 

*cue Whitney Houston- Why Does It Hurt So Bad* 

I had so many questions spinning around in my head. Questions like…

Did I love this man?

Was this man the one? 

Am I enough for him? 

Am I worthy of a gentle & calm love? 

Will my heart ever heal from my past? 

Am I too aggressive or assertive to be loved by him? 

Those were just a few of the questions that kept running through my head. I felt so defeated because here I was thinking I was doing better & his outlook of me was just the same as the others before him.  It hurt so bad, that I found myself crying to my mother when I realized we were over. 

At this point, I wasn’t sure why I was crying…. Was I crying because I had to walk away from the person, I thought I “loved” or was I crying because I felt once again “my aggressiveness” got in the way? 

Surprisingly I wasn’t crying for either one of those reasons. 

Looking back on that day I was crying because at that very moment I realized who I fell in love with …. And that person was ME! 

I had fallen in love with myself during the pandemic. During that time, I was committed to my therapy journey. I started showing up for myself mentally and emotional EVERYDAY! And when I was crying to my mother, I realized that I was choosing myself and everything that comes along with me. In past situations when I would hear those words about myself, I would beat myself up about not getting it right or not being the girl “he” wanted. But this time, I wasn’t the problem. I was doing the work on myself, and I was open to whatever the universe had lined up for me. The men in my past that said I was “aggressive” or “too assertive” were wrong. I realized they weren’t the right men for me, and because I didn’t love myself enough at the time, I allowed them to push their frustrations of their shortcomings on to me. 

Now I know that I need to be patient for the man that’s secure enough in himself to admire those strong, resilient, assertive, and passionate attributes about me. And not only will he admire them but he will have an understanding of how they make me a great women. 

I am what a lot of people label ambitious black women as an “ALPHA FEMALE”, 

Now I don’t take offense to the name, cause its true. I take care of myself, and I do it extremely well. I am driven by success, and I don’t take ‘no” for an answer. If that makes me an alpha female, then I’ll take it! 

This is a conversation I have with my therapist often. She says that I have yet to experience an alpha male. And I think she’s right. Instead, I was allowing men who were insecure with themselves to project their shit onto me hoping I would settle and meet them at their level. Believe it or not, I always knew that that was some crazy bs lol. However, I wasn’t loving myself correctly, so I would move on to the next man and try again hoping for the best. 

But now that I have fallen in love with myself again, I know that the right man will find me & we will be equally yoked, and I won’t have to dim my light for him. My ambition, my “aggressiveness” or assertiveness will be more than enough for him. Because one thing that I am sure about, is that I am made beautifully and whatever man God has for me is lucky to have me. I say this because I know that when I am loved and treated correctly, I love harder than anyone I know.  When I am loved correctly, I am my absolute best self

So, I leave you with this…. 

” You’ll always be intimidating to someone who is easily intimidated.

You’ll always be high maintenance to someone who contributes very little

You’ll always be bossy (aggressive) to someone who isn’t very assertive. 

Sometimes the issue is simply other people not being on your wavelength.” – @t0nit0ne

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